Elf Daddy
by She Who Gives Migraines
Summary: Thranduil is SICK of the Mary-Sues swarming around his son. How can he get them out of Mirkwood once and for all? That thing which is know to some as the Fourth Chapter has come at last...
1. Helloooo, Mister Legolas!

Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas (thank God. Either way, he'd kill me if he ever saw what I did to him...poor thing. Ah well, I suppose it's better than him being a lust object or in a slash fic), Thranduil (See above disclaimer. He'd probably stomp on my bloody remains after Legolas was finished with them), or any other characters who appear in this fic. I have no idea who that girl is. Anyone can have her; I don't give a damn.  
  
Note: This is completely AU, OOC, and ridiculous. This is how Legolas SHOULD have acted, in response to all those damn Mary-Sues falling all over him all the time. Oh, and the title is absurd. So sorry about that. AND.I have no idea when this takes place; it's just too AU. Sometime during the trilogy, I suppose. -_-;;;  
  
Apologies: My SINCEREST apologies to any fans of canon who are offended by this. I just got SO fed up with Legolusters, and MSTing just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. The rage...the rage that is growing within my soul...*cough*. And many, many apologies to Legolas fans (unless you've written a Mary-Sue about him. We won't go there...yet...).  
  
I also apologize to anyone else-such as conservatives and prostitutes-who is offended by this. I myself am offended with this. -_-; I blame it on all the MST fodder. Starts to warp your mind after a while  
  
And to the Mary-Sues?  
  
Screw you.  
  
And so, on with the story...  
  
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Legolas Greenleaf sat back against a tree in Mirkwood, basking languidly in the light that managed to seep through the dense foliage. His days were serene...well, they were serene now, since he had managed to get a moment's peace. Yes, it had been hard, being a part of that nasty quest to Mount Doom, but now he was back home in Mirkwood, and certainly happier for it.  
  
"Oh, Mr. Legolas!"  
  
Yes, Legolas Greenleaf was certainly much, much happier.  
  
He lazily opened one blue eye to look over the rim of his diamond-studded shades at the scantly-clad girl who was trying to run up the hill to him, her six-inch platforms severely crippling her movements. However, her face (which was covered with more makeup than the Mary Kay company shipped in a month) showed that she was genuinely delighted to see him. She looped her thumbs through the straps of her thong and pulled the bands of the undergarment over her broad hipbones before falling onto her knees next to Legolas and allowing him a generous look at her ample bosom.  
  
"I'm so happy to see you again, Mr. Legolas," she breathed, fluttering her fake eyelashes sensuously. Her eyes swirled different colors in her excitement as Legolas removed his shades and placed his hands on her hips.  
  
"Good girl," he said, massaging her hipbones gently, causing a purr to issue from her throat. "Now, do you have the money?"  
  
"Oh yes!" she exclaimed, reaching her hand between her breasts and pulling a sack of coin from the confines of her far-too-small shirt. "Oh yes, I have your money, Mr. Legolas..." she whispered sultrily, running the rim of the sack around her lip.  
  
"That's my girl," he said, giving her a sultry wink. She giggled moronically and grabbed his hands again, pressing them right against her breasts. "So, where were-"  
  
"Easy, easy, girl!" Legolas scolded, yanking his hands away. "No, no, no."  
  
"But..."  
  
"It'd not TIME, baby," he said, putting his pale finger to her overly-red lips. "You want to know what you're doing, right?"  
  
"Well.yeah.I guess." the girl looked towards the trees, and giggled as Legolas started to stroke her exposed thigh.  
  
"That's my girl. Now, run along, he said, pulling her to her feet and giving her bum a slap. She giggled again and ran back down the hill.  
  
Legolas sighed and rested back against the tree again. Well, it wasn't that he didn't like these girls or anything...it was just that...they got so annoying. And most of them were so full of raging hormones that they had no idea what was going on.  
  
He shrugged. Not his problem. He'd but up with plenty of garbage before it had come to this. And he was certainly much, much happier for it.  
  
"My son...I still can't believe you."  
  
Legolas tilted his head backward to observe Thranduil standing behind him, leaning against the tree and looking more than amused. "What should I have done? Just...succumbed to their twisted wishes?"  
  
Thranduil looked pensive for a moment. "Well, why I don't agree that this is the *best* way to handle your situation-"  
  
"It seemed like a good idea after getting stampeded hundreds of times," Legolas muttered.  
  
Thranduil ignored his son's comment. "I'm sure there are other ways you could have handled this...none as economic as this one, of course-" He reached down and swiftly pilfered the small bag from Legolas' hands. "-but other ways nonetheless."  
  
Legolas began to protest, but Thranduil silenced him with an outstretched hand. "Rent. For letting your girls use the bedrooms. I think this is fair, don't *you*, my son?"  
  
"I..."  
  
"Good. I'm glad I've raised such a smart young Elf." Thranduil turned and began to stride back to his dwelling, resting hidden behind the thick foliage of his forest, leaving Legolas openmouthed, reaching a hand out for his money. For a moment he stared, then dropped his arm and returned to his original position, leaning against the tree with a sour expression on his face.  
  
'Some fathers dream of passing on the crown to their sons,' Thranduil mused. 'Oh dear. The other Elf-lords are going to give me hell when they find out my son is Middle-earth's first pimp.'  
  
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Didn't I say it was ridiculously OOC? Personally, I blame the Mary-Sues. Oh, and just to clear up confusion: yes, that girl *IS* a Mary-Sue, albeit a random, nameless one.  
  
May I burn with the furor of a thousand badly-spelled flames for this blasphemy against Tolkien.  
  
Oh well. If you could stand this long enough, I suppose a review would be neat...tell me what you liked, what you hated (I like it when people copy and paste their favorite parts into their reviews,*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*). And I do not fear flames. Oh well. Goodbye.  
  
PS: Don't worry; I just had to share my anger with the world. After I chill out, this fic is SO getting removed.  
  
~She Who Gives Migraines~ 


	2. You Forgot About THIS Walker, Didn't You...

A/N: Hmm. Four reviews and no flames. ^_^ I'm glad. I had planned for this to be a one-shot fic, so I'm not sure what's going to happen with the little plot I have…hmm…I'll do my best, though. ^^

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them. I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues. 

Note: Disregard previous assumption of time. All I know is that this takes place after Aragorn has married Arwen. And this is going to progressively become more and more absurd.

Note2: The author has nothing against slash and is NOT, I repeat, NOT attempting to promote homophobic beliefs. Thranduil's inner thoughts are supposed to be ironic, considering all the Legolas slash out there.

Note3: All the Mary-Sue names used are 'real' Mary-Sues that have appeared in Legomances. They belong to their respective creators; I am just borrowing them for a while, just like they did with the Professor's characters (HA! Put THAT in yer pipe and smoke it, Mary!). If you can find the fics they are from, you get nothing but an artificial feeling of achievement. ^^ Go you!

So…on with the absurdity…

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Okay, so his son had become a pimp. Thranduil could deal with that. At least he wasn't gay! The Elven-king almost burst out laughing at the thought. His son, gay! The thought was ridiculous.

…Wasn't it?

Thranduil shook off his doubts and pocketed the coins. So his palace had been turned into a whore house for Legolas' growing business. He could deal with that as well. All he had to do was stay off of the third floor. No problem.

"Hello, Mister T.…" one of Legolas' girls said, bobbing suggestively as he walked past her.

"Calithia, right?" The girl nodded. "It's THRANDUIL!" Thranduil yelled at her. "Not 'Thrandy', not 'Mister T.', and CERTAINLY now 'Dewy'! T-H-R-A-N-D-U-I-L!"

Calithia just winked at him and slunk away.

Thranduil could only wonder: if Elves did not get sick, then why did the Valar allow them to be subject to migraines? He knew there were some healing herbs that usually worked against headaches in his bedroom…

~*~

"LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!"  
Legolas opened an eye and lazily looked in the direction he had heard his name called. "Yes?…"

"Tell your girl to get OUT of my bedroom!"

Legolas yawned. "Which one?"

"I don't know…the blonde one!"

"Which blonde one?"

"The blonde one with blue eyes!"

"Which-"

"NEVER MIND!" Thranduil groaned in exasperation. This was absurd. He couldn't even get into his room for his medicinal herbs. He leaned against the door of his room and slowly massaged his temples. "I must think of beautiful things…I must think of fair Valinor beyond the Sundering Seas-"

"Oh, YES!"

Thranduil winced as the concentration he had gathered was scattered by…something he'd rather not think of. "Think of fair Valinor…think of the beauty of Elbereth in the Undying Lands…think of the everlasting peace in the beauty of Aman…"

"WOO-HOO!"

_That's my BED they're doing that on!_ Thranduil thought furiously. _This is absurd. I thought these…what did he call them? Mary-Sues? I thought they were supposed to be sweet and innocent!_

"Hello there, handsome." Thranduil looked down to see yet another girl with long blonde hair gazing up seductively at him. "Standard is ten dollars, but for twenty…you get whatever you want…"

"I am NOT interested!" Thranduil fumed, jumping back away from the girl. She pouted adorably and slunk away again. He closed his eyes and tried to remember how all this had come to pass…

He had been anxiously waiting the return of his son, ever since the liberation of Dol Guldor and the destruction of the One Ring. It had been over a year since he had seen Legolas, and Thranduil was starting to despair. As far as he knew, his son was lying dead on the Pelennor Fields.

So it was with great relief that he had seen that dirty blonde head* approaching from the southwest. He ran through the forest, relieved that his son had managed to return home in one piece.

However, his relief had quickly become confusion.

 "They followed me home," Legolas had said, motioning towards the countless girls hanging off his arms and swarming around him. "Can I keep them?"

"Yes! Yes! Let him keep us!" all the girls had yelled at once. "PLEASE?!"

And how could Thranduil resist 300 pairs of multicolored eyes staring adorably at him?

"Arg…" If he could have done the whole thing over again, he would have most definitely had said 'No!'. But the girls were here, and, short of calling his archers on them, what could he do?

You know…the archers weren't such a bad idea…

" 'scuse me."

Thranduil looked towards the source of the voice. _I swear, if it's another one offering her services, I am going to strangle her. I don't care if she could please ILLÚVATAR… _

However, it wasn't another Mary-Sue. It was a Dwarf.

"ARG!" Thranduil jumped back. "Who let YOU in here?!"

"Legolas," the Dwarf responded gruffly. "Name's Gimli, son of Glóin, Legolas' friend. And you?…"

"I am Thranduil, son of Oropher," Thranduil responded. "Legolas is my son."

"Ah. So are you as peeved as I am?"

"About what?"

"Those girls of his!" Gimli said with obvious disdain. "Can't even get near him anymore to discuss orc killing or anything else! We used to talk about which was better: arrows or axes. Now I can't even get within ten feet of him without hearing at least twenty females: 'Eew, it's a Dwarf! Gross!' He said we were going to Fangorn! But then…those GIRLS of his started swarming around him…and well, who would YOU rather spend time with?" Gimli said, sounding hurt. 

"Well…"

"And they make fun of my beard!" Gimli sounded close to tears now. "And they say I'm obviously trying to compensate for something by wielding an axe…" Gimli slid down the wall to sit on the floor next to Thranduil. "They call me 'Stumpy'! STUMPY! Can you believe it?" Then, going against all previous things Thranduil had thought about Dwarves, Gimli burst into tears.

Thranduil looked around his hallway. Okay, this wasn't awkward at all: a Dwarf was inside an Elven dwelling crying his eyes out. Nope, nothing unusual here…

Thranduil groaned and knelt down next to Gimli. "There, there…" he said, trying to console the Dwarf without actually touching him. "It's okay…they're just jealous that they don't have a Dwarf."

"*sniff* Really?"

_No, not really, I just want you to shut up!_ "Of course really. I mean, I know Legolas is a handsome young boy, but you should have seen him when he was going through puberty! Whining everyday about how all the *other* Elves his age were getting bigger and he never seemed to grow at all! Flexing those pathetic excuses for muscles in front of every puddle he came across…" Thranduil shook his head, remembering Legolas' years of development. Years he was more than happy never to repeat.

"You don't say…"

"And just between you and me…" Thranduil looked around to make sure no one was listening, then whispered in Gimli's ear: "He never DID get any bigger."

Gimli burst out into hysterical laughter. "So THAT'S why he keeps delaying them!"

"Most likely. He doesn't want them to find out." Thranduil nodded, seating himself on the ground next to Gimli. They sat in silence for a while, staring at the walls and dissuading any Mary-Sues who walked past trying to earn a few bucks.

"So, what do you suggest we do?"

"About what?"

"About all those girls around Legolas." Gimli rolled his eyes. "I know YOU want them out so you can get your home to yourself again."

"Yes…"

"And *I* want them out so I can have my buddy back."

An evil smiled started to unfold on Thranduil's face. He couldn't be certain, but he had a suspicious that Gimli was wearing a similar expression under his thick beard. "Yes…"

"So, what do you say? Shall we work together for Legolas' sake?" Gimli offered his hand to Thranduil, who didn't hesitate for a moment before shaking it.

"My friend, you've got yourself a deal."

~*~*~

Okay! What are Thranduil and Gimli planning! I…don't know. -_-;; So this is my suggestions pitch! Give me some ideas as to what you think Thranduil and Gimli should attempt to try and drive the Mary-Sues out! No, really: I HAVE NO IDEAS. So, if you want to see the next chapter, HELP ME!

* BWAHAHAHA! She Who Gives Migraines'  theory on the Great Hair Mystery! Legolas is a DIRTY BLONDE! And NOT in the sense of that girl who as hitting on Thranduil!


	3. Some Much-Needed Advice

A/N: Wow. This is weird. I really didn't expect people to like this story. It's probably not going to be longer than three or four chapters (that's what happens when I post stories on a caprice -_-;). If I get some good ideas, it might go on longer. Hey, you never know. ^_^ I will try to make it as cynically funny as possible. 

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them. I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues.

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~*To recap: Thranduil and Gimli, having formed an alliance against the Mary-Sues who have invaded Mirkwood, are presently in Thranduil's dwelling, making plans…*~

"So, what is this thing?" Thranduil asked, holding up the smooth stone and peering into its swirling depths.

"It's a _palantír_," Gimli responded, taking the stone back from the Elven-king and setting it on the small table in front of them. "You know, a seeing-stone?" 

"Of course I know!" Thranduil said haughtily. "But how did you get it?"

Gimli looked uncomfortable. "I bribed Halbarad to bring it back, after Aragorn looked into it. I…" He was blushing now. "I thought maybe…I would be able to see Galadriel in it. And…" He looked at the stone again. "It was so shiny…we lovesss shiny thingssss, don't we, my precioussss? Yesss…" Gimli picked up the stone again and began to whisper endearments to it.

Thranduil was suddenly very happy that Legolas hadn't brought any more Dwarves home with him.

"Alright, alright," Thranduil said, taking the stone from Gimli again and setting it on the table. "But how will this stone aid us in getting those girls out of my forest?"

Gimli smiled underneath his beard. "We're going to contact an old friend of mine. He's had his share of similar problems in the past, but he managed to overcome them. Perhaps he can give us some advice. We just look into the stone and concentrate on the location of another stone." Gimli looked into the stone; his brow furrowed as he concentrated very hard…

~*Somewhere in Gondor*~

"Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…gray."

"Rocks?"

"You're good."

"Okay…Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…brown."

"Dirt?"

"Yep."

In one word, the guards were bored. It was no fun guarding the _palantír_ of Gondor. Every time they tried to look into it to spy on people, they only saw two old hands withering in flames. Badly-manicured hands to boot. Not exactly a source of entertainment. So, they passed the time by playing '_Sauron Spies_'.

"Hmm…Sauron spies with his flaming eye…something…blue."

"Ooh…that's a tricky one…"

However, the guard didn't get a chance to guess what was blue. That moment, a flickering image appeared in _palantír_ that they were guarding.

"Hey…look at that."

"It's a Dwarf!"

Indeed it was. A Dwarf with ruddy hair was staring through the _palantír _at them. "Good evening, gentlemen," the Dwarf said. "This is Gimli son of Glóin. I'm a friend of King Elessar's. Could you please tell him I'd like to speak with him?"

The guards looked at each other, befuddled. This was certainly different. Elessar had never told them what to do if someone actually tried to _contact_ him over the seeing-stone.

"Are you two alright?" the Dwarf asked. "You look as though you've seen a ghost."

"No, just a…never mind. King Elessar is…erm…busy right now," one guards said.

"Not too busy to talk with an old friend, I'll wager!" the Dwarf said.

"No, he's pretty busy," the other guard said hastily.

"Nonsense," the Dwarf responded gruffly. "Let me talk to King Elessar."

"Alright," the first guards sighed, picking up the _palantír._ "But we warned you."

~*At Elessar's Chambers*~

The guards paused outside a set of large wooden doors, inlaid with silver and semi-precious stones. "Here you are, Master Dwarf," the first guard said. 

"Thank you," the Dwarf in the stone said. "Now, would someone please get him?"

The second guard sighed and knocked three times.

"Oh…oh, by Elbereth…Estel!"

"Undómiel…Mmm!"

Gimli blushed inside the _palantír._ "I guess he _is_ pretty busy."

"We told you."

"ARAGORN! AI, ARAGORN!"

"Yes, yes…ARWEN! What the…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"King Elessar, there is a Dwarf on the _palantír_ who wishes to speak with you."

"We are TRYING to produce an heir in here! Can't it wait?!" Elessar's voice sounded very strained.

"He says it cannot."

A slew of cursing issued from the chambers in a creative mix of Quenya and Sindarin. 

~*Back in Mirkwood*~

Gimli turned to Thranduil. "What does that mean?"

"Umm…you don't want to know," the Elven-king responded, blushing to the roots of his golden-blonde hair.

~*Back in Gondor*~

Loud footfalls were heard in the chambers, heading towards the door. The guards wisely stepped back a few paces. A few seconds later both doors were flung open to reveal Aragorn Elessar Telcontar, the King of the Reunited Kingdoms of Gondor and Arnor…clad in nothing more than a bed sheet and looking very, very peeved.

"Good evening, Gimli," Aragorn said as he took the _palantír_ from one of the guards and smiled a very, very strained smile at Gimli.

"Good evening, Aragorn. You look…well." 

"Undoubtedly." Over Aragorn's shoulder, Gimli could see Arwen, also clad in a sheet and looking as annoyed, if not, more annoyed, than Aragorn. "How can I help you, my friend? And please, make it quick."

"We have a dilemma in Mirkwood. Legolas has surrounded himself with these girls…'Mary-Sues'. I believe you are familiar with them?"

"To some extent," Aragorn responded.

"Well, we noticed that Gondor is surprisingly Mary-Sue free. How is that?"

"Simple, my friend," Aragorn said, swiveling around and pointing the _palantír_ in Arwen's direction.

"ESTEL!" she shrieked. "I'm not decent!"

"And there you have it," Aragorn said, pulling the _palantír_ back in front of his face. "Tell Legolas to get married."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Estel." Thranduil poked his head into Aragorn's view.

"Ah! Thranduil! How nice to see you again!"

"Likewise, Estel. But, like I said, I don't think it's a simple as getting my son to marry. You see, it appears that he ENJOYS having these girls around. He's renting them out as his own courtesan service. And making quite a profit off of it, might I add."

"And besides, Aragorn," Gimli added, "you know that Legolas is gay."

"WHAT?!" Thranduil screamed.

Gimli looked at the Elven-king innocently. "What, you didn't know that?"

Thranduil didn't answer. He was staring ahead blankly and the color was rapidly draining from his face. "My…my son? Gay? But I thought…I always thought he was just feminine…"

"I see." Aragorn rubbed his unshaved face. "Yes, I had forgotten about Legolas'…'preference'. Well, that *is* a problem…Call the archers on them."

Thranduil snapped out of his shocked silence. "No, I can't kill them, Estel. I won't have MORE stories about me, saying that the Elven-king is cruel and heartless."

"Stories?" Aragorn looked confused.

"Yes, the girls keep babbling on about something called 'fanfics'. Apparently, they are stories where I am portrayed in less-than flattering manners." 

"I see," Aragorn said. "Hmm…" He rubbed his unshaven chin again. "You COULD try telling them Legolas isn't interested-"

"Already tried it," Gimli said. "They didn't believe me."

" 'How can someone so gorgeous be gay?!', I believe that was the overwhelming response," Thranduil said.

Aragorn looked irritated now. "I don't know!" he barked. "Ahh…why don't you take out into Mirkwood and let the Spiders eat them?"  
Thranduil's face brightened. "That's a FANTASTIC idea, Estel! I'll be rid of them, but I won't get my hands messy! Thank you!"

"My pleasure," Aragorn responded. "But, do me a favor, would you?"

"Anything!"

"Don't try to contact me after sundown anymore, alright?"

"Oh. Of course."

"ESTEL!"

"I have to go," Aragorn said, flinching under the piercing tone of Arwen's voice. He tossed the _palantír_ back to the guards. "Coming, Undómiel!" He retreated into his chambers once again and shut the doors.

~*Back in Mirkwood*~

"Ah, this is the perfect solution!" Thranduil said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "I always knew those spiders would be useful one day…"

Gimli just looked at the _palantír_. "Shiny, my preciousssss…"

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Plot Bunny Thanks go to:

Melilot Millstone: Oh yes, that will most likely be the case in the end. :) Many thanks for that idea. It will definitely show up in a later chapter. 

Next chapter: The Wandering Sues. What shall befall them in Mirkwood?

*blatantly plugs products* If you like 'Elf Daddy', you should read 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!', which I co-authored with my friend Echo_Starlite. Also, check out 'Just Call Me Mary-Sue' , 'An Elf Lord Has His Needs' and 'Faint'. All are hysterically funny. 

Till I feel the urge to write again:

~She~


	4. Of Spiders and Silly Original Characters

A/N: *falls over, then gets up and clambers back into her chair* WOW! I'm really glad you like this! THANKS for all the support I've been given on this little bastard of a fic. Really: THANK YOU ALL. 

Disclaimer: All LotR characters are ridiculously OOC and belong to their respective copyright holder(s). Any other non-canon characters belong to anyone that wants them (with a few exceptions). I am making no money off this blasphemy against the great J.R.R. Tolkien, and I can only pray the Professor can forgive me. Apologies stated in Chapter One hold true to this chapter as well. And no, I am still not apologizing to the Mary-Sues.

WARNING: Slight OC slash in this chapter. And I thought I'd never write LotR slash…Ai, I guess there's a first time for everything! *whimpers* I'm sorry, but it was just too perfect to resist! ^^;; Slashing is done solely for the purposes of humor.

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Elf Daddy 

_Chapter Four: Of Spiders and Silly Original Characters_

_'Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen!_ _Yéni únótimë ve rámar*…'_

"Like, Mister Elf-guy?"

'_…aldaron, yéni ve lintë…' _Nuquernaannûnion clenched his fists and repeated the words in his head, trying to calm himself down, or at least prevent himself from strangling the girl with his bare hands. '…_yuldar vánier mi oromardi…'_

"Like, helloooooo? Mister Elf-dude? Like, where are we going?"

"For the eighty-third time, I DON'T KNOW!" Nuquernaannûnion lied. Actually, he knew exactly where they were going. After all, Thranduil had personally threatened Nuquernaannûnion and his brothers with a pain worse than death, should they be followed back to Thranduil's dwelling by the Mary-Sues._ '…lisse-miruvóreva Andúnë pella Vardo telluma…'_

"Mister Elf-guy? Like, when are we going to be there?"

'…_nu luini yassen tintilar i eleni ómaryo airetári-lírien…' _ "I don't KNOW!"

"Like, you don't have to be so mean! I was, like, only ASKING, you jerk!"

_'Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva? An sí Tuntallë-oh, FORGET IT!_' Nuquernaannûnion stormed ahead of the troop of Mary-Sues he was leading to talk with his brother Pergaerion. 

"Wait, Mister Elf-guy! Like, where are you going?!" 

_'Don't kill her, don't kill her, don't kill her…'_

Nuquernaannûnion strode up to his elder brother, who was looking as peeved as Nuquernaannûnion felt. Several Mary-Sues behind him were whining at him to slow down so that they could magically healed their sprained or broken ankles. However, Pergaerion would not stop for anyone. He did not even slacken his pace when Nuquernaannûnion trotted up beside him.

"Pergaerion…please tell me we're almost at the Spiders…"

"Nope."

Nuquernaannûnion looked behind him at the whining troop of girls. "Could we not simply point them in the direction of the Spiders, and tell them to go that way?"

Pergaerion arched a slender brown eyebrow and looked inquisitively at his younger brother. "Do you think that would work?"

"For the sake of my sanity, I hope so."

"Calenfânion!" 

"What?!" a girl's shrill voice yelled from behind him

"No! You're Calenfânien."

"Oh. Right."

"Good Gods," Nuquernaannûnion muttered. "Enter something more original into the Name Generator."

"What?" Calenfânion slowed down and to walk beside his two younger brothers. "What is it?"

"Can we desert them yet?"

"No. Thranduil said that we had to make sure the Spiders ate them."

"But they're annoying!" Nuquernaannûnion whined.

"So are you, but we haven't fed YOU to the Spiders yet," Calenfânion replied, smirking.

"You were always SO annoying, Nu," Pergaerion agreed. 

"Well, Atar always took your side!" Nuquernaannûnion accused.

"Only because Nana always protected you as if you were made of pure _mithril_!" Calenfânion yelled. "It was always, 'Oh, be nice to your little brother, boys! Let him hunt _yrch_ with you! And don't lead him near the spiders! If that strange little thing—the one that was about half a Man's size—hadn't come around and killed the spiders, he might have been eaten! Those horrible, horrible goblins! How could they just tie a poor elfling to a tree and leave him to die like that?' It was ALWAYS about you!"

"YOU tied me to that tree! YOU'RE the one who…you TOLD the spiders to eat me! SLOWLY! AND you told them to poison me as many times as they felt like!" 

"And—if you weren't such a dratted good shot now—I'd do it again, you little brat!" Calenfânion growled, advancing on his youngest brother. "You're the one who ruined my chances with Nimiel!"

"Brothers! Brothers, be at peace!" Pergaerion said, stepping between the brothers. "Put your past squabbles aside."

" 'Past squabbles'?" Nuquernaannûnion said in disbelief. "Pergaerion, he tried to KILL me! On several occasions!"

"Calenfânion, the point of this conversation is not to rekindle old desires for Nuquernaannûnion's death. You have not answered our question yet: Can we desert the Mary-Sues yet?"

"No," Calenfânion said, glaring at Nuquernaannûnion over Pergaerion's shoulder. "We should take them to the spiders, and make sure the beasts eat every last one."

"Like you would have done to me," Nuquernaannûnion muttered.

"Otherwise, they could come back." Calenfânion ignored his youngest brother. "And, even though King Thranduil is just, I think that he is too frustrated to judge fairly, should they return to his dwelling-place. You've…well, you've seen how he twitches nowadays."

Nuquernaannûnion and Pergaerion nodded. Yes, they had noticed an increase in the TPD (Times per Day) that Thranduil twitched.

But Pergaerion wanted to get rid of the girls NOW. "That one over there is using your brush to groom her Cute Animal Friend."

"WHAT?!"

"You know, that Ela girl? The one with the wolves? I think it's your good brush, too. You know, the one you got on the march? The one that pretty Vanyar lady gave you?"

Calenfânion turned swiftly and suppressed a scream of rage as he indeed saw the Mary-Sue Ela brushing her wolves, Tala and Draug, with HIS hairbrush. His favorite hairbrush. He gritted his teeth, and his brothers took a few steps away from his as his usually pale Elven face slowly reddened with rage. Calenfânion was very proud of his long auburn hair, and he protected it and its care supplies as if he were in a Male Pregnancy fic and they were his first born children. And his brothers knew this all-too well.

"Remember, Cal, we're not supposed to kill them. We're just supposed to desert them; we're supposed to let the Spiders eat them…C—Cal? Cal?" Pergaerion thumped his fist on his brother's back. "BREATHE, CALENFÂNION!" 

Calenfânion sucked in a hissing breath as Pergaerion patted him on the back reassuringly. "Women…must…die…now…" he managed to hiss out between clenched teeth.

"Alright!" He jerked up and turned to look at the Mary-Sues, who were still trailing behind the three brothers, whining the whole time. He clapped his hands. "Listen up, Mary-Sues!"

He was ignored.

He called louder: "Girls? LISTEN UP!" 

Again, he was ignored.

"LOOK!" Calenfânion said, pointing at Nuquernaannûnion. "IT'S LEGOLAS! AND HE'S NAKED!"

The chatter immediately stopped. Hundreds of multi-colored eyes were fixed on the three brothers.

"THAT'S NOT MISTER LEGOLAS!" someone yelled.

"No crap," Nuquernaannûnion muttered.

"MISTER LEGOLAS IS _MUCH_ HOTTER THAN THAT UGLY ELF!"

Don't kill her, don't kill her, don't kill her… 

"I know," Pergaerion said. "Yes, I know that he is."

"Thanks for the moral support, Per," Nuquernaannûnion growled at his brother.

"The point is that Mister Legolas has asked us to bring you here so that you may improve your skills at-"

"Say no more," a girl called Analae said, holding up a hand so slender that it was bony. "So, what do you boys like? Hand jobs? Blow jobs? Or just good ole'  fucking?"

"Though I must admit, I can't understand why Mister Legolas didn't come, if he wanted to test our skills," a Mary-Sue called Elladriel pouted.

"Yes! I wanted to give Mister Legolas a hard-on," Lómelindi Evermind said, sulking.

"Then take it away!" Melyanna squealed, clapping her pale hands with excitement. The rest of the Mary-Sues agreed noisily with her. To them, it must have sounded like the tittering of starlings. The three brothers, however, had to plug their ears to keep them from bleeding.

"I think that you boys will enjoy this anyway, though," Selene said as the Mary-Sues moved in on the three. "Hope you have the same Elvish endurance as the rest of us!"

"Even us human girls!" someone in the back called out.

"Oh, be quiet! There are only five or so of you!" 

"Oh, great job, Cal," Pergaerion muttered as the girls formed a broad circle around the three Elf brothers and began moving in. "Couldn't have just pointed them in the direction; you just HAD to dance around the subject."

"It's not my fault they have one-track minds!" Calenfânion hissed at his brother.

"Guys? Let's argue later…" Nuquernaannûnion whispered. "How are we going to get out of here?"

Pergaerion swallowed loudly. "I…read this in a story once." He scooted around Calenfânion until he was looking at his elder brother. He grabbed his brother's face with both hands. "Please forgive me, brother," he said solemnly before planting a kiss on his brother's lips.

There was utter silence among the throng of girls. Nuquernaannûnion merely blinked with disbelief as Pergaerion kissed his elder brother deeply. Calenfânion seemed to be suppressing the urge to run into the woods, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Finally, the silence amid the girls was broken: "EEEEEEEEEEW! SLASH! GROSS!"

Pergaerion pulled away from his brother and hid behind Nuquernaannûnion. "Don't hurt me, brother! I swear, I did it only out of concern for our greater good!" But Calenfânion wasn't listening to his younger brother, and Nuquernaannûnion couldn't hear his elder's pleas for mercy over the raving of the girls.

"I can't believe Mister Legolas sent us out here with a bunch of gay guys!" Abigail wailed. "What's WRONG with him?!"

Had Nuquernaannûnion been thinking straight, he would have muttered _'If only you knew…'_. However, he was still staring in shock at Calenfânion, who was rubbing his mouth frantically with his forearm. He was also scratching up his face pretty good with metal rivets that studded his leather arm guard, but he didn't seem to care. Nuquernaannûnion didn't blame him.

"And they're BROTHERS!" Hoshi wailed. "Incest! ARG! I'm scarred for life!"

"The only thing worse would be Elladan/Elrohir!" someone wailed.

Half the girls looked at her. "Who?"

Pergaerion cleared his throat awkwardly and moved out from behind Nuquernaannûnion, laying his hand on his brother's shoulder. Nuquernaannûnion immediately flinched and attempted to move away from his older brother.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to do…THAT…again. Not if I can help it. Look: they're leaving us alone, aren't they?"

"Yes, but…"

"Listen up, girls!" Pergaerion yelled. The girls were too busy ranting about how gross slash was to listen to Pergaerion.

The Elf sighed and yelled: "LEGOLAS IN HEAT!"

The chatter stopped. It was as easy as blowing out a candle.

"Anyway…we're going deeper into the forest. Should you see any bones, tattered garments, or blood on the trees, ignore it! Thranduil has an odd decorating sense." The girls muttered in approval. Calenfânion pushes his way through the throngs of Mary-Sues and ran into the woods.

"Just follow us, ladies," Nuquernaannûnion said, arching an eyebrow as the distinct sounds of retching were heard in the bushes that Calenfânion had run into._ 'And I thought Elves didn't get sick. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. Poor Cal.'_ The Mary-Sues looked sickened as well from the disgusting sounds that proved, in their opinion, that Calenfânion was most likely not gay. 

"Where are we going?" a girl whined.

"Right through here," Pergaerion said, gesturing to one of the breaches in the tree line. It was quite dark beyond, and there were numerous skulls and other odd bones scattered around the vicinity of the breach.

The Mary-Sues looked skeptical. _'So they're not as stupid as they look._' Nuquernaannûnion thought._ 'Drat.'_

But Pergaerion wasn't daunted. He grinned slyly. "Of course, if you ladies are frightened, I will understand…"

Immediately, the face of every Mary-Sue in the throng darkened. "WHAT did you say?" 

"If you ladies are frightened, I fully understand," Pergaerion repeated calmly.

"How DARE you, you Male Chauvinist PIG! We are WOMEN! Anything you MEN can do, we can do JUST as well! If not, better! THAT'S why we're MORE than worthy to join the Fellowship!" Deminica yelled. 

"When did the Fellowship get dragged into this?" Nuquernaannûnion asked his brother.

"I don't know. What's the Fellowship?"

"Dunno."

"We'll show him, won't we?!" Deminica yelled, turning to her brethren.

"YES!" they all shouted. Pergaerion and Nuquernaannûnion  had to dive out of the way as the Mary-Sues stampeded through the breach, kicking the skulls out of their way like soccer balls (if soccer had been existent in Middle-earth, that is). Their cries of 'WE ARE WOMEN, HERE US ROAR!' soon faded into the lush, dark thickets of Mirkwood.

"Well, that takes care of that!" Pergaerion said, dusting off his hands. "King Thranduil will be happy."

"I'll be happier, too." Nuquernaannûnion rose to his knees and tried to rub out a grass stain on his tunic. "It's very annoying to have girls trying to offer you advice on your archery skills all day. I DO know what I'm doing, you know! I haven't trained for several thousand years for nothing!"

"Cal?" Pergaerion walked over to the undergrowth Calenfânion had taken refuge in. "Cal? Cal! Come out! They've all gone away!"

"You go away!" came Calenfânion's response. "Just try to understand, Per: I love you, but not in THAT way!"

"And I feel the same way," Pergaerion said, sighing and rolling his eyes. "It was just a ruse. I promise I'll make Nu walk between us, alright?"

"Leave me out of this."

"Be quiet, Nu."

Calenfânion slowly crept out of the bush, looking up at his younger brother in something akin to fear. "You promise? No more…propinquity?" 

"Yes, yes, I promise…whatever 'propinquity' means. Come on, Cal! We have to go tell the King of our success!"

~*~*~*~

"All dead?" Thranduil said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, sire. We're sure they are. They nanced off into the deeper parts of the forest, and we ran all the way back here. I'm sure none of them followed us." The eldest of the three brothers, Calenfânion, was speaking on behalf of his two younger brothers. Though he did look considerably paler than usual.

_'If I didn't know better, I would have thought he had been sick,'_ Gimli thought. _'But Elves do not succumb to illness, so…'_

Thranduil grinned. "T-thank you, gentlemen. You are…dismissed. Take a vacation, if you feel like it."

The youngest looked up. "Sire?"

"Well, you should we rewarded for loyal services, I think. Don't you agree? Why don't you three take a nice, three month vacation? I hear Fangorn is lovely this time of year." Thranduil was vaguely aware of Gimli muttering beside him.

The three brothers blinked in disbelief. "S-sire? Th-three months?"

"A great reward for great services to the kingdom of Mirkwood…and myself," Thranduil said, smiling.

Calenfânion smiled slowly. "Th-thank you, sire. We…we will do as you bid."

"Go!" Thranduil said, and the three brothers nanced out of the room, never to be seen in this fic again.

"Sweet. Peace," Thranduil sighed, sitting down in a chair and sighing. "Gimli, my dear Dwarf, I think we've finally accomplished our goal."

"Thank Mahal," Gimli sighed, backing into the wall and slowly sitting down. "Peace at last. Finally! My beard will be accepted! Legolas will be disappointed, though. No doubting that."  
            "He's a strong boy; he'll bounce back," Thranduil shrugged, indifferent. "Besides, I'd rather I didn't loose my sanity altogether. He'll mope around for a few weeks, then he'll be back to normal. Maybe he'll even get rid of those silly glasses of his."

"We can only hope," Gimli said. 

"Why don't we open a bottle in celebration?" Thranduil asked. "I've saved some for a great occasion. Bottled in the Years of the Trees! Best stuff in Middle-earth! I was going to open it when Dol Guldur fell, but this just seems so much more significant."

"Gladly!" Gimli jumped up from his position against the wall, and they walked off to find some of Thranduil's best.

"The Years of the Trees? Never opened?"

"Never!"

"I can't wait!…"

Far off, in some distant, dark part of Mirkwood… 

"Like, take that, you nasty spider-things!"

"OH! Rip _MY_ dress, will you? Like, have at you!…"

  
…_To Be Continued…_

Names:

Nuquernaannûnion is the Barrow-Downs name generator's equivalent of 'Bit character'. And, apparently, 'Bit character' was a 'Powerful Wood-Elf'. Uh-huh…

Pergaerion is the Barrow-Downs' equivalent of 'Nuquernaannûnion's Brother' (and apparently, Pergaerion was a Crying Umbarian. Huh).

Calenfânion is the Barrow-Downs' equivalent of 'The Third Elf-Guy' (and he was a Forgotten Ranger of Ithilien. You don't say).

I claim all three brothers, just so you know. MINE MINE MINE!

* Yes, I realize Nuquernaannûnion, being only a lowly Elf, would not know that song, but let's face it: I stopped paying attention to canon a long time ago.

The overly-abundant Author's Notes:

Hey! If you want to read the MST of that Mary-Sue that Nuquernaannûnion referred to (the one with the Ela Sue), just check out my site-in-construction! http://www.geocities.com/rainandfoam/ Only a few chapters are up now, but I think the MST is pretty good. ^_^ I can send more via e-mail, so give me access to your address if you want more of the MST. I can start an MST mailing list! ^o^

If you see your Mary-Sue on here and want to bitch at me that I've stolen from you…please do it in an e-mail. For convenience, I'll post my e-mail here: insanity_on_the_run@hotmail.com. I would like some new MST material. I'll do the same with reviews, if need be. On a related note, I, once again, disclaim all the Mary-Sues. Just like I am borrowing the Professor's world and characters(all hail Tolkien, genius and God of his world! *bows and worships Tolkien*), I am borrowing the Mary-Sues. So there. It's not an MST, it's not a list, it's not an actor fic, and the whole site is filled with plagiarism anyway. You people have NOTHING on me!

Also, each and every plot bunny you can give me would be appreciated and treasured as if it were my first born child…or, at least, one of Calenfânion's hair-care products.

_~She~_

_I go!_


	5. The Return of the Evil

Author's Notes:  
  
I know some of you came here expecting the fifth chapter. I am very, very sorry to disappoint my loyal fans, but it's not here.

Not simply because I don't have ideas – quite the contrary; I have received quite a few from a Random Muse – but because…well, in case you haven't noticed, ff.net has become a hypocrite.

"Unleash your imagination and free your soul". Humph. I agree with what they said at The Cardboard Box: "Killing your imagination and stealing your soul". I think it suits the site and its new rules a bit better, don't you?

Some people are raving about how it's Xing's site and he can do whatever he wants with it. This is true, but Xing has to be prepared to suffer the aftershock: thousands of authors are bitching and moaning, and hundreds are leaving ff.net altogether.

I see ff.net as a sort of giant party: when the host (Xing) provides the guests (the readers and writers) with ample refreshments (posting freedoms), then the party goes well. But, if the host takes away the refreshments because a few people have complained that they are allergic to certain foods (NC-17 fics, actor fics, MSTs, etc), then other people get mad, and start to leave. And the party starts to suck.

Xing took our refreshments, and I want to snack on a few slashed-up lemons.

So, let us leave now this dying party, and go to others that are just getting started:

http://www.soupfiction.net

http://www.nindaiwe.com ßThis is a Tolkien archive only.

http://www.fandomination.net

So basically what I'm saying is that I will not be updating any of my fics here on ff.net anymore. I may post new fics, but only for the purposes of getting the publicity that ff.net has to offer. For a fuller and better rant, see my bio.

In short: you will be able to find the rest of 'Elf Daddy' at Nindaiwê, SF.net, and/or FD.net. Soon, I hope.

For all of you who don't like this, or don't want me to leave: I'm sorry. But this party is over.

_~She~_

_~I'm gone~_


End file.
